Apple, the US tech company, are currently working on a top secret project that will see it develop technology to access the brain of Steve Jobs, to ensure it can keep up with the trends of consumers.
The project, aptly named ‘Forensic Understanding of Clinical Knowledge, Private Reconciliation Invasion Via Anti Corporate Yielding’ – AKA, F.U.C.K. P.R.I.V.A.C.Y.
“We plan to restore Steve Jobs brain and utilise the information he has, as no one here actually produces anything, because it all came from Steve. He was a fucking corporate Nazi. We never created anything, so how does he expect us to continue his legacy when he said all our ideas were shit.” said one member of staff.
Apple plan to take his brain, connect it to a central computer and extract everything onto a 500,000,000TB hard drive.
Apple plan to launch the program live in 2022, so expect no new products and just a load of updates that slow down your phone, meaning everyone will tweets about how shit they are so that they stay in the limelight during this period of uncertainty.